3 dating lessons I learned this summer
I always knew 2022 would be a big year for me but I had no idea how transformative it was until I dedicated some time to standing still and expressing gratitude. While this entire year has been full of surprises, both good and some lessons, this summer alone has changed my life. Here are 3 things I want to share with those still looking for love.
1. Be brave enough to pursue what you really want instead of settling.
I had been single for nearly 3 years after ending a long-term relationship with the father of my children right before COVID lockdowns (more on that in a future post). I swore I’d never join a dating app and that I could still meet people the “old school” way — no surprise for that to be a challenge post-quarantine. So, I joined a couple apps. It did not go well and I quickly deleted every profile. The next time around I set better intentions and I stuck with it. I wasn’t afraid to pass on people who didn’t match my vibe or what I was looking for and focused on quality vs. quantity. The moment I let go of expectations as trusted my intentions was the moment the love of my life showed up. Which brings me to the next lesson…
2. Trust your instincts when setting intentions and remain consistent.
The second time I re-joined the dating app world I told myself that I would find someone good. I wrote about the qualities I had that I wanted reflected back to me and how I would feel in his presence (journaling tips to come in a future blog). But then I wavered. As I lost patience I changed my objective. I convinced myself that casual was ok and that looking for a relationship scared people away and it must not be for me if “he” was not showing up. I naturally ended up attracting non-serious and temporary people. It wasn’t until I got a glimpse of what I had been looking for with the wrong person that I realized I needed to get back to focusing on what I truly wanted and needed to believe that it was possible. So I cleared out all of the mis-aligned and ‘maybe’ profiles and politely exited meh conversations then started over. I reminded myself that everything always works out. That’s when the universe took over and the one appeared.
3. It may defy logic but when people show you who they are you really need to believe them.
Dr. Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” This applies to both the good and unhealed versions of people. Over the last couple of months I’ve watched a dear friend discover she was dating a violent covert narcissist sociopath. At first the signs were subtle and she explained them away through her empathy — ‘I wonder if he’s acting this way because his parents were x, you know he told me this story once and it would make sense;’ ‘Yeah he did do that really sh*tty thing but he apologized and I see the sweet person he was in the beginning again.’ I’m not here to judge or diagnose anyone, her or him, but at the end of the day his actions did not align with her personal values or what she deserved as the great person she is and no healthy relationship would require you to settle or heal the other person. He showed her who he was very early on and she did not believe it until thins escalated and the signs became much more clear and painful. BTW: If you are experiencing any kind of domestic abuse please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800–799–7233 or visit its website at thehotline.org.
On the flip side, if the person you’ve been looking for shows up and it’s too good to be true (however, please watch out for any negative signs like love bombing or manipulation) accept your blessing and be grateful. This won’t be easy if you are dealing with any unhealed trauma. If so, please save yourself and your potential partner the time and heartbreak by taking time to do the healing work. I’ll share the resources that have helped me recover from my last serious relationship in a future blog post. There is no rush to this and the universe is always working in your favor. That said, if I hadn’t had the courage to say no to what was good enough instead of being patient for great I would have missed the best relationship I’ve ever had. And while none of us knows what the future holds I am grateful for each day I get to experience life with this amazing man of mine. Each day he makes me feel the way I described in my journal when setting intentions and while I know our relationship won’t always be perfect I expect that we’ll always feel safe and encouraged enough to work through any road bumps together.
I wish you all light and love. Until next time!
